friend?

Today is the day after christmas, and wow what a day. It began with me like waking up @ 6am to get all the snow off my car, total bummer and a half, then my stepmom and me went to pick up our new car (2009 Pontiac torrent) I love it, we got home her and my lil sis went shopping like 2 hours away to a toys r us to exchange some stuff, my dad and my older sis soon to b fiance went ice fishing, and me well I went shopping with one of my friends SOUNDS EASY!! NOT!
1) went to move car! its stuck on ice! yes ice! and i am already late going to pick her up, i was like sliding, and ramminga nd and even tried to push it! NO not a chance,so like a little baby what did i do, I called my dad haha i had to go forward to go backward, like get some oomph! (sp?) hhaa
2) went to get her, her house is like huge! and she has i swear like a mile driveway, which lucky 4 me, is covered in ice so i had to go slow as hell, and wait and wait, then she finally came to the door.
3) its like 45 degrees outa nd its been like neg 2 or and like neg 25 windchill (in F) so like it was freaking foggy as hell!! no joke
4) I wasa talking and talking and talking, and not her, not so much I knew she wasnt a talker like me but sheesh , talk about something, i havent seen her in 2 weeks because of christmas vaca!

so like do you think she isnt very fond of me( even though we are planning a KICKASS new yrs party) she has never hinted at not liking me, but if she cant talk to me then whats up, ya know sheesh??

Am I ready?

Ive pretty much been single forever!
Im not saying in dont like being single, but im getting bored with myself, ive had kindergarden crushes on a few boys, but way more girls, I hear so many people complain about ah my boyfriend is lying or is he cheating, you dont hear about that as much with chicks. Just one of many upsides to liking both.
So I think I have found the most perfect person for me in my life at this moment. Like good looking, used to be friends, we are trying to become better friends now. I read all of her blogs, she is very talented, and knows alot about clothes, and makeup and hair, just like me (i wish i could do more things with those passions of mine, but my parents are well douches!) (in a loving way) so I can only dream of being as expressive as her...
Ive been like messageing her on myspace..hoping she responds, we have had a few short conversations, but they dwindle away in one day, from busy lifes. I dont wanan message her back, after like a two days of not talking..I really dont want her to think im like..a creep, or stalking her..I just want her to talk to me, and figure out, how much we could work.
1) have the same friends (well kinda) we used to the same school but I moved, I lost alot of friends when I moved from there, but I made more here, and lost them (growed apart) and now those people are friends with them. *sigh*
2) we live like 10 minutes away from eachother,
3) both want to live in Chicago
4) love blogs, and hair, and makeup, and fashion
and well I can think of a few more, I just wish I wouldnt of messed it up so much in the past, she says she can forgive me but can she really? I want her to, and she needs to and i know we will be amazing?
I cant tell her how i feel, she will prob be really creeped out

and well she jut brokeup with someone from another state, and she needs recovery time..im totally willing to talk for like ever before we going into anything, but golly she needs to talk to me and ask questions and totally go on dates, talk on the phone, watch movies in a cold basement so we can cuddle, pass out in a lawn chair, at a bon-fire, just normal things ya know,I love doing things like that =)

what do I do??

rambling

So I recently got a a new job at fashion bug, in Galesburg.(average and plus size clothing)
Im megga excited! I only work weekends for now. However they are going to see how I do and possibly add me to the work week. I dont think its too bad for it being my first job!!! However since I just got my license its hard to make time for my friends, I have a party im planning for a friend who is moving out of state, and a friend who is going away for a month to Italy. AND the gas prices just went up to $4.15!!! It did a 30 cent spike!! It was absolutely crazy, why do the richest people in the world have to take advantage of us, because we dont have a choice, we need gas! Also we have come up with a few ways to not need gas so why are we as a society doing this!
Also I have a question, I have been dating this chick for a month or so, and a guy who I go to school with likes me, and I hate it! We talk on the computer (since its summer) I told him im only into chicks , but he keeps flirting with me, I mean im flattered that he likes me but its getting sorta annoying, do you have any suggestions on how I can get him to understand I only want to be his friend!
I really want to know how to make my blog ALOT better, I can make time for this if I can just get it eye catching, should I get photobucket and post pictures.. Or like make better colors or less colors, any advice would help ALOT! I hope I didnt ramble too much..

update : Jim Sanders

So we just talked to Jim Sanders. He is in Cottage hospital in Galesburg. He had a heat attack for sure. He will be having heart surgury tomorrow and my sister and I will be going up to see him @ 9am with flowers. He has no family or close friends so my sister and I took the day off and are going to be there during his surgury! Im so excited that we found this man. If he survives this surgury my dad and I have decided to invite him over for some of our family activites such as fourth of July picnic, thanksgiving and other cook outs along the way.
I couldnt be anymore ecstatic about this whole thing. To be honest he has been on my mind more than the the person who im falling for and my deerest mother in the past 24 hours. I feel a little guilty now admitting it. I really hope this wonderful man stays in my life until the end of his. Thanks to all of my friends who have put up with my non-existent being for a day!

Jim Sanders

So today was beyond the most fulfilling days of my life
the story is
My dad and I went fishing and we left about 4 or so to go home, and on main street on the way home we(we live on main street) we saw a older male with white hair and a hat on, then he stopped put down two white bags (like target bags) and put his thumb out, I looked in his eyes as we drove by in our air conditioned vehicle and just pure and utter sadness and hopelessess just poured out and into my heart! Im like dad we HAVE to pick him up or give him water ( its like 85 degrees out) So we came home put our stuff away and we both kept looking at him and sighing and just we both felt megga horrible. We went in the house, and saw him walking slow and I was like on the verge of tears saying like what if his wife passed away and he didnt know where to go, or his car broke down and he cant afford a phone, my mind ran wild with possibilities. I could tell my dad wanted to help him also, he kept looking at him as we were walking in , and his mood changed. Jim (my dad) choked out come one lets go get him , and I would of loved too however, its just a 3 person truck and it would of been a smooshed mess. So i told him go do what you gotta do and call me later. I saw my dad pick him up out of my bedroom window and just sighed and started crying with relief.

I was paseing and turned on my music and had my phone in my pocket waiting, he never called so I was worried, Then I saw him pull up and I ran out and begged him to tell me what happened, he said" his name is Jim Sanders. He was having a heart attack, he had a pace maker in his heart and he just started to walk to the hospital in galesburg. My dad went to the nearest gas station and got him water and called an ambulance. When t he ambulance came and got him on a stretcher and he kept thanking my father repeatedly for saving his life, and he said it was my 16 year old daughther who convinced me to help you out. The man said " give her a hug for me" at that point in my fathers conversation I immediatly began to cry!, with relief and utter sadness just insaine fulfillness!

I had no idea who this man was, or his story..I just felt like he wasnt the usual man all of our parents told us to stay away from. You know the long haired, dirty clothes, and sign saying going to airport, it was just a deep feeling in me that needed to help!
This Is one of the best days of my life!
please if anyone knows him or how I can get ahold of him I would adore to know how this man is doing!
It would mean the world to me!
=)

worst way to end a life

RADIATION REVISITED

This week brought me back to that place

Almost 4 years ago I had known it well

A daily routine spanned over six weeks

Then, a girl of sixteen yet so much wiser

My last bit of hair banded into petite pigtails

Keeping my head up and eyes straight ahead

Overlooking the elderly outnumbering me all to one

And shocked eyes following every movement

They seemed to think out loud

Disbelief and denial creeping in

Will she put on a gown or her mother?

Ignoring the obvious absence of hair

I would return clothed in the temporary apparel

How lucky some felt to know long healthy years

Silently I knew I had prevailed

Aware I had stirred the stale air

After visiting the special room

For minutes lesser than a power nap

I would transform back into the teenager

Only until I returned the next day

Shutting that door after 6 weeks.

Now I was back at that place

Even on the elevator I smelled it

The haunting familiar smell of times ago

A chilling revelation that I was back again

Partly by choice, partly by need

The basement hallway before me

The doorway on the left after the indoor pool

The same face greeted me

A different hairstyle-updated, I guess

It was out of place to be back

The ungreased stiff door reopening

A flashback in reality and not in mind

I headed towards the dressing rooms again

A memory awakened from deep within

A natural instinct to grab a folded gown

From the back shelf and then into a stall

I straightened the curtain and took a deep breath

After removing my red t-shirt of more recent times

I draped the scratchy gown around me

Finding the cheap ribbons immediately

I hesitated and looked in the mirror

I suddenly had to step closer

Was I really seeing that

Or were my tired eyes tricking me?

A woman with hair-for once

I saw very deep, glossy eyes

Someone could easily get lost

I had a realization

I truly have grown up

The radiation would be treating a woman now

Her deep eyes still puzzling me

The reflection stirring the still air

The wisdom within them intimidating

Begging me to keep going

words of my mother

she only beat cancer once

she was a hell of a fighter though :(

I miss you mom

*crying*

true

My knees start to shake,
When you're in sight.
My mine is filled with wonder,
My heart with fright.

When will this feeling stop?
When did it start?
how can I listen to my mind,
Without breaking my heart?

Im so confused.
What should I do?
I can't think of anything,
Except you.

Should I ignore you,
or just give it time?
I can't think straight,
My heart controls my mind.

confused

My knees start to shake,
When you're in sight.
My mine is filled with wonder,
My heart with fright.

When will this feeling stop?
When did it start?
how can I listen to my mind,
Without breaking my heart?

Im so confused.
What should I do?
I can't think of anything,
Except you.

Should I ignore you,
or just give it time?
I can't think straight,
My heart controls my mind.

thoughts

It happened when I was just a little girl. My mother dying. I was there. I saw it, although i don't remember anything except colors. Red and purple, yellow and green. And blue - everywhere - a deep, endless blue. It was early summer. The colors were her garden. Roses and irises, tulips, and daffodils. Grass and sky. I don't remember screaming, although I've been told I screamed myself voiceless, the noise bringing Cassie and then neighbors and then the ambulance with the wail loud enough to finally trown me out. It didn't change anything- the people, the ambulance. My mother died before my very eyes, and that's what they say made me who I am. The trouble, the bad grades, the problem with authority figures (namely my father), the willfulness. It all came from that moment I saw my mothers eyes fall never to re-open , never to get up and hold me again, wipe away my tears. My beautiful, laughing mother. Suddenly so quiet and so still. Something bursting inside her brain. A tiny time bomb. A tiny time bomb waiting all her life to go off. A death just waiting to happen. And sometimes, when I'm trying to remember the things that came before- the fell of her breath against my cheek, the sound of her voice saying my name- I start thinking about what's underneath my own skin. I start wondering what's inside me, ticking ready to go off.

hair cut

well umm my mom had cancer for about 5 years or so and she lost her hair many times and she always wanted hair like mine she would alwys play with it and wish it was hers and we would both cry and well about 1 year before she passed away i tried to get my ahir cut for her however my mom would not let me.. i wanted to get it all shaved off!

she cried soo much and i could of cared less about my hair it would always grow back so it made her very happy for a long time and then well she passed away when i was 9 and half and i let it grow more and then about 3 weeks ago I cut it and gave it to locks of love for someone , a mom, sister, aunt, kid whoever thought my hair was beautiful to make there life better

I would of stood up for myself however i was 8 and I didnt dare go against what she would say.I will continue to grow and cut my hair for lock of love. The only thing my hair ever did to me was work over time on attempting to make me look attractive. (didnt help) I suggest you think about giving hair at some point in your life.. please just think you could make someones life much better for a very long time, self immage is alot in today society.

I would do anyting to see my mother smile and play with my hair...

gosh now im crying so im done...

mothers birthday

Im wrinting this is purple because my mothers favorite color is violet.

Im not going to talk much about this just a little bit of info. Ive been crying for about 3 hours about this so i figured it might help to do a blog it helps some ppl so this is the test

My mothers name is Teresa K, Eastwood. She was born on october 22, 1960. She passes away on may 20, 2002. she was 41 years old. her birthday is soon on the 22nd. I was 10 years old when she passed away and my sister (cassie) was 15 years old just like I am now.

I cant imagine being her age right now. if that makes sence, i understand it more now whcih means she did and i hve no idea what i would do if it happend today or yeserday I admire her VERY much for her strongness. my whole family for being strong. They helped us out soo much just knowing they were there.

I feel like my friends dont know a huge part of my life which is my mother. So i could most definalty talk about this for a long time. however i dont have many tears left and my headache is pretty much attakcing my brain right now. So im going to say this if you would like to hear about my mother I will be excited to talk about her. just message me or comment or catch me at school. My mother is very missed and I would like u to know something about the women who is my hero.

a beginning

How often to teens get raised by lesbian parents...
Not sure.
I know I was.
And im Damn proud.
Many people wonder if that is why i turned out lesbian.
Not sure
What I am sure of is that my Mother was more happy with her female partner than with her husband of 13 years. I was brought up from age 6 and on to find love, be happy and share it with the world. Well im working on it. Im out to everyone besides my father. Im 16 I am a jr in High school and I have 2 successful part time jobs. I have found love and she is currently 742 miles south of me for 62 days, this is very very hard for me.
I have tried to do the diary thing..and it dont work I get too busy and my hand writing sucks haha. So I really dont care if anyone reads this. Maybe it will help me get some great times, sadness, and thoughts out. I also have youtube but its stupid for me to have one.I can think of things id like to say. however then people are watching me instead of the great vlogs with people who have interesting lives. My life was interesting and I know that I am going to write a book about it. I really think it can help many many people. then im going to write one about my dads life. he says no he doesnt want me to know everthing however its going to be done. Soon. Im going to post a few of my other blogs from myspace..
www.myspace.com/leah1gully
just message me and then I can add you if you would like. I think I have about 3 or 4 blogs! not sure
lovely leah